YOUR LOSS STORIES 2



SUZANNE`S LOSS OF ASHLEY
My family and I went for the ultrasound when I was 18 weeks along excited to see the baby and we were told they couldn't find a heartbeat. I was induced on Monday morning after a second ultrasound, she was born Tuesday night of the 8th. She was beautiful and perfect. She was so peaceful. She looked like she was sleeping. She was about 6 inches long and almost a pound. We had her funeral Wednesday. Charlie and the girls built her a beautiful box with velvet inside. We chose a head stone with an angel and teddy bear. We buried her in Red Rock (a country cemetery) next to my in-laws plots under a big shade tree. The doctor doesn't know why and he said it wasn't my fault. Losing my daughter has been the hardest thing I've faced. I think I would go crazy if I didn't have faith in God that she is in Heaven and someday I will see her in all her glory. I miss her dearly, but I know she is !
with Jesus. I trust in Jesus, even though my heart is breaking and a million questions rise up within me, and I accept it with love. We are miracles and every moment we have is a miracle. I know Ashley lives in Heaven. Instead of the wind she hears the sound on angles singing before God's throne. Instead of seeing the beauty of earth that passes she sees everlasting beauty. She sees God's face. Ashley was created and lived a short time and she will pray for us in Heaven. She knows the secrets of Heaven unknown to us on earth. She laughs with a joy that only the innocent possess. God's ways are not ours. God created his Kingdom and we will fill a place that no one else could fill. Ashley was created for the joy of God. She never felt pain or hunger. All she knew was love. God breathed a soul in Ashley, she grew and God called her home. Ashley has changed me with God's grace into a better parent and person like all of my children have.

29th October 2003




SHARON`S LOSS OF AMY CELESTE
My story begins about 24 years ago. It is about my diagnosis of a molar pregnancy, something that at the time occurred in 1/35,000 pregnancies in the USA. It was more common in SE Asia and Mexico at that time. Now in the USA, it occurs about 1/1000 to 1/2000 pregnancies. For some reason, the fetus is absorbed by the placenta early in the pregnancy, or the fetus just dies. But the placenta is still alive, and growing. It can become cancerous. Luckily, in my case, that didn't happen. Once you have a molar pregnancy, you have a 1% chance of re-occurrence with subsequent pregnancies. They have theories about why it happens, but aren't entirely sure of the cause. Last week, I added up my pregnancies. I have been pregnant 14 times, but only have 3 wonderful daughters here on earth. They are incredible blessings. I try to thank God for them everyday.

I still get teary-eyed when I think about it. So does my husband. But it
is so good to talk to people who understand. I went to a semi-retired
general practitioner. He wasn't accepting new patients, but the ladies at
work told me he was a good doctor. So I called him at home on a Sunday
night, and explained that I was a 1000 miles from my family, and that I
needed a good doctor since this was going to be my first baby. We talked for
at least 1/2 hour, and he took me as a patient! Everything was fine at
first. I was a little large for my time, but he suspected twins. This was
when only ob-gyn doctors had fetal heart monitors, so he was using a
stethoscope, and could not find a heartbeat. That was OK, but then at 4
months, I started spotting. He put me on bedrest. Every 2 days, he had me in
for a checkup, and every other visit, he was doing a vaginal exam. This went
on for a month. He was concerned, since there was no heartbeat that he could
detect & he should have by 5 months, and I hadn't felt any movement. But, he
told me I didn't seem to be getting any closer to miscarrying, so to go back
to work. I almost sat up and screamed at him "There is no baby, is there?"
But I told myself that I was being irrational, of course there was a baby. I
was pregnant, and had all the symptoms. The pregnancy tests showed positive,
and if the baby had died, the test would have be negative. I couldn't go
back to work, I couldn't face the 60 women that I worked with, without
knowing what was wrong. So I picked an ob-gyn out of the phone book. I
actually talked to the doctor on the phone! He had me come in the next day.
He explained molar pregnancies to me, and I knew right away that he was
right. He sent me in for an ultra-sound right then. They confirmed it. Then
he saw me again, and told me he was going on vacation the next day, but that
I would be scheduled for a D&C on Monday, with his associate. I told him no,
that he wasn't going anywhere, and that I wasn't going anywhere, and that he
was going to do the D&C the next day. I didn't know what I was even saying.
The words came out of my mouth, and after I was done, then I realized what I
said! I was shocked. I really was a very quiet, agreeable person.
He excused himself, and talked to his associate. When he came back, he asked
if it would be OK if he did the D&C the next morning, and then left for his
vacation, and his associate did the follow-up when I came out of the
anesthesia. I agreed that would be fine. When I came out of anesthesia the
next day, his associate told me if I had gone home that night, and waited
for Monday, I would have died! The placenta was starting to tear away, and
the blood vessels were large enough that I would have bleed to death in
under 3 minutes!

God was with me. He gave me the thought that there was no baby. That
thought helped the next day, when the doctor told me that there was no baby.
Then, He guided me to an ob-gyn that happened to have seen a few molar
pregnancies years earlier, when he was in the Air Force. Then, He had me
insist that I not leave. He guided the doctor to follow my instincts!

I went through the weekly, then bi-monthly, then monthly blood draws. I
didn't have to have chemo. When the doctor released me after a year, we
tried to conceive again. Every cycle, I was sure I was pregnant. Then, like
clockwork, 45 days after my last "period", I'd have another one. I was
beginning to think I was going crazy. But, the last time, we saw a small
white piece of bone in the toilet. The ob-gyn told me that was the only
thing it could have been. We didn't think to scoop it out. He had me come in
for another check-up. It took a couple of weeks to schedule it, and he told
me everything looked fine. I almost told him that I was pregnant again, but
didn't say anything. Turns out, I was pregnant! I had been getting pregnant
each cycle, and miscarrying! Amanda Jean was born January 13, 1982. Jessica
Kay followed on August 18, 1983. I had another early miscarriage, which was
probably a good thing, since that baby would have been born 10 months after
Jessica! Rebecca Joan was born October 30, 1984. We really wanted one more,
but the doctor suggested that I not have anymore, since I had vericose
veins, not only in my legs, but also in my vulva. The support hose to help
my legs irritated my vulva, and there would be a chance that the blood
vessels would burst during delivery. So we decided that 3 would be enough.
I've since found out that one of my sisters had the same problem, except
that hers did burst during the delivery of her second child. She almost
died!

We have since found out that people with hypothyroid conditions are
quite prone to early miscarriages. I have Hashimoto's disease, a hereditary
condition, where my immune system sees my thyroid as a foreign substance,
and destroyed it. I wasn't diagnosed until years later, but looking back, I
see some of the symptoms. So it could have been undetected for many years.

Anyway, looking back at my molar pregnancy experience, it has actually
had a very positive impact on my life. I am a very different person because
of what I have gone through. It was a growth experience. I am a stronger,
more compassionate person. My love for children has intensified. I am a lot
more willing to stand up for what is right, and to speak for those who can't
speak for themselves when they are being wronged.

I have over the years, wondered whose personality she has, who she
resembles, and now, what her interests would be, would she be married, would
I be a grandmother? My daughters are all very compassionate, loving people.
They are all very close to me, and I feel that a lot of that has to do with
my sharing the loss of their older sister with them. I don't remember what I
said, or when, so I've asked them. They don't remember either, but they all
remember that they have "always" known about their older sister, and the
different miracles in my life. They know that I should have died on 4
different occasions, but by the Grace of God, am still here. They share my
belief that God saved my life for a reason. I feel that my daughters are the
most immense blessings possible, and that the reason that I am still around
is because of what they are going to do with their lives. I feel that they
have been shaped by my experience, since I am a different person because of
it. They are much more important to me, since I know how much of a blessing
they are, and that each child is a true Gift from God. I don't think I'd
have that knowledge without my experience.

I hope that I haven't rambled on too much, and that at least part of
this has been helpful to you!
May God bless you, and guide you through your experience,
& may you grow in love and compassion as you progress through your life-journey.
May He bless you as abundantly as He has me!

Love,
Sharon Madison
Puyallup, Washington, USA


SUSAN`S STORY
My husband and I had been married a little over 4 years when I experienced my first miscarriage at 3 weeks.....it started with spotting and resolved much like a normal period....this miscarriage affected me and my husband but we were young, and strong, and seemed to recover from it within a few months, determined to keep on going.....the doctors told me to "keep trying" to get pregnant and so I did....the following year I got pregnant, we told everyone we knew that we were expecting, and then the spotting started again and I called my midwife who said to put my feet up and just "relax" (yeah right)....my cat curled up by my side was my only companion as I sat with my feet up on my favorite recliner chair, home alone at the time....the spotting continued and got more pronounced and the pain increased, and before I knew it I was giving birth at 10 weeks, doubled over in pain, praying that perhaps I was pregnant with twins and was losing only one of them, that God would be merciful. I remember praying to the Blessed Mother and I heard the word "providence" which later turned out to be a blessing to me....we had to tell everyone that we weren't pregnant (again) which was such a hard thing to do, so many emotions. "Providence" means "an act of God" and in the months that followed I questioned so many things...it was an extremely difficult time....I had so much self blame and sadness and emptiness....I even wondered if evil caused the miscarriage but having heard "providence" eased my mind and heart and I knew it as a gift. A good friend prayed with me soon after learning of my miscarriage the second time and heard in her ears "just wait one more year"...sure enough in another year I was pregnant, and this time the pregnancy endured pre-term labor at 28 weeks, but I gave birth to my now healthy 8 year old healthy, thank God. After he was born and had some complications initially that were resolved (not breathing well, low blood volume) things resolved and he was strong enough to go home, and I thought the fairy tale would begin that I had dreamed of and planned for for nine months. Hah. I didn't know that I had bi-polar disorder and after giving birth, it reared its ugly head big time...I became extremely unable to sleep, only sleeping 2 hrs. in a week, started hallucinating and was dillusional, violent and unable to hardly speak, and told my husband to get me in the hospital...I knew something was very wrong, but couldn't figure it out, just knew I had to get help for myself. I never harmed my son, and never wanted to. I just wanted to be home with him and my husband. Instead I was in a behavioral health unit for treatment one week after giving birth. This was NOT the fairly tale I had planned. Fortunately I was surrounded by caring family and friends that took care of my son while I started the long process of adjusting to this traumatic experience and healing from it. I was hospitalized for several weeks to stabilize...I was on heavy meds, not of my own choice, but apparently out of need ...I was now officially diagnosed with "ppp", also known as post-partum psychosis, and later experienced a "ppd", or post-partum depression, something all women that get ppp also get....I was diagnosed six months later officially with bi-polar disorder by my Psychiatrist and given the appropriate meds for that, after experiencing another manic period of time probably due in part to being put on an antidepressent (which can cause a manic eposide for women who have bi-polar disorder.) Suffice it to say that that year was a roller coaster ride I care never to take again, yet I do see how God has strengthened me because of all I've endured, survived, and surrendered to. I find an enourmous strength in my compassion towards other women. It's taken me years to be able to talk about all this and get back on my feet. Post partum conditions don't resolve overnight but are highly treatable and respond very well to talk therapy and proper medication. I'm a stay-at-home Mom, able to work probably only part time outside the home due to having to keep my stress at a minimum and get enough sleep nightly.....I take depakote for bi-polar disorder and synthroid for hypothyroidism, feel tired and somewhat angry most of the time, (though my mother was often the same way) although I still manage to cope I would say well with being a mother, wife, and homemaker and realize that I need to piece a life back together for myself now that my son is in school full time. I am a gifted singer and musician and I have started writing a book and all this and a song to accompany it, that my son sings on also. It's called "It Was Then that You Carried Me"...as a practicing Catholic, I have remained true to attending Sunday Mass and the sacraments, however, my intimate life with my husband has pretty much died due to my fear of getting pregnant and it either ending in another miscarriage or ppp/ppd and basically losing my mind again. That was not a picnic. Part of my spirit has died with the miscarriages and the other part just seems tired of trying to keep my marriage truly happy. I need intervening prayer to awaken and heal the parts of myself that need it so that my marriage can be happier and more alive and I can feel safe when experiencing love with my husband.
Thanks for your time and may God bless all of you women.
Susan
4TH JULY 2003

April Lee Gordon`s Story
Hi, Im a 22 yr old single mom of a 2 yr old boy named Malachi Jacob who has special needs.He is a angel from God and he was a preemie with a lot wrong with him.I found out I was pregnant again with my 2nd baby on September 23 2003.On November 6 2003,I lost my baby to chromasomal gene problems and a placenta problem.Well I was mad at the world for a few days until my favorite person starting loving his mommy, more then ever I realized.I need to be there for Malachi right now.
My mom and dad,Sherry, someone so special to me,has been telling me everything will be fine.She says I can cry if I need to,as it takes time grieving over a loved one that I wanted so much.I guess God knew I couldn`t handle 2 babies, if this one had health or special needs, like Malachi does, so he took the baby up in heaven with Him.I know God my grammie and grampies are taking good care of my baby for me until I go to heaven in a long time.Ii go to church, so everyone was praying for me to get better and be able to come back to church.This will be a while,Im on strict bedrest for 2-3 weeks because of bleeding and cramps. Here is a pic of my son and me when I found out I was pregnant with baby number 2.
I thank you for being here for me in this need of time April Lee Gordon

12th November 2003

My baby 'Keiron' by Terri Stephenson
In September 2003, 4 days before my 16th birthday, I had a molar pregnancy. I was told on the 9th of September, when i was 10 and a half weeks pregnant, that all that was inside me was the placenta and that all it looked like was "a bunch of grapes" as the doctors so kindly put it. I may have only been 15 but i was looking forward to that baby more than anything. I had all of the signs and symptoms of a 'normal' pregnancy but there was no actual baby inside of me. I was then told that i had a cyst on one of my ovaries and it would have to be removed. Hearing this at 15 was the hardest thing. I know i was still a child myself but hearing that and that i may never concieve again was just heartbreaking. I blamed myself for it all even though the doctors told me it was no-ones fault. I then started taking it out on my then boyfriend and couldn't cope anymore and we split. My baby 'Keiron' as i call him would have been 1 on the 1st of April this year and i know its silly as he wasnt born, he wasnt even there, i still shed a few tears. I'll alwaya think of him as my first child if i do have children. Thanks for letting me get it all out as i have never been able to before.
Terri
April 2005

GERRY`S STORY
"Hi

I don't really know who else to turn to
I saw your site and thought it may help.

My story is different from the others in that I am male.
It is kinda hard to know where to start, maybe with this it is best to
start at the end.

My beautiful wife is in the process of getting ready to leave me
the pain of this is almost unbearable, but I can't blame her

we have now lost 2 angels through miscariage in less than 2 years
it is only now that I understand the hurt this caused Lorna, at the time
I was of little support to her when she needed me most, I loved her so much
that I could not bear to see her sad & so i acted as if nothing had happened,

I thought that if we brushed things under the carpet and tried again
the hurt would not exist and when our baby evantually came along
we would b! e so happy that the hurt could be forgotten.

Only now do I realise what I a fool I was, why did i not see what lorna needed
was for me to hug her, to hold her, to cry with her.

I always loved her so much & thought I was doing the best
but the trouble was I never really listened, and now i have lost everything
i treasure.

Perhaps one day lorna will realise i am not bad, only different
no-one will ever know how much i wish i could go back in time
and change things.

I would like you to post this message if possible, if perhaps
it stops even one person making the same mistakes as me
then that would be good.

Thanks
Gerry"

My Miscarriage By Hazel Farquhar (Age 34)

This is an account of my miscarriage
On the evening of Monday 10th March 2003 I had a small spot of bleeding, which restarted on the Wednesday afternoon. I contacted my GP who said to take things easy and they would try to get my scan brought forward to the following day.
I had a scan on the Thursday afternoon and was diagnosed with a blighted ovum and told that the empty sac was about eight weeks in size even though I was now almost 13 weeks pregnant.
I was admitted to the Early Pregnancy Unit in our local maternity hospital were the sister explained things in more detail and let me know what my options were
1/ ERPOC  which involved a local anaesthetic into the cervix and they then emptied the uterus using a small manual syringe.
2/ D&C  which involved a general anaesthetic and a mechanical syringe is used to empty the uterus.
3/ Medical Treatment using tablets to open the cervix allowing you to pass the sac with some assistance if required.
4/ Let nature take it's course, which can heighten the risk of infection.

I opted for medical treatment and was given the first tablet that same afternoon to lower the pregnancy hormones. I left the hospital and stayed at home until the Saturday morning when I went back to the ward to start the rest of my treatment.
I was given the first tablets vaginally to let them work quickly and as long as you are not bleeding heavily you may be given subsequent tablets the same way or orally. I had all 3 lots of tablets (1 Course) this way and did not successfully pass the sac. Meaning I had to stay in the hospital overnight and start the same procedure the following day if I did not pass it overnight.
There was no change overnight and I followed the same treatment that day, still with no success. So on the Sunday evening I was left to make some decisions of what I wished to do next. (They had never known this to happen to anyone previously on their ward, most people pass in the first day and the remainder on the second). I opted to have an ERPOC the following afternoon depending what my scan showed the following morning, as there were no scans available over the weekend.
I was given a light breakfast and sent for my scan, which showed to my relief that the sac was now shrunk in size and sitting right on my cervix. Things were further on than we could have hoped for; I would hopefully not require any further treatment.
On returning to the ward I discussed things with my midwife and said I would rather take more tablets if this was an options after a further examination or wait and see what was going to happen in the next few hours. She spoke to the doctors and it was agreed that she would re-examine me and see were we were at and take more tablets if required.
I was examined and my cervix had opened and the sac was sitting there, so with the aid of small forceps it was removed very gently while I used gas and air to ease any discomfort. I then took another course of tablets and was re-examined that evening to check everything had return to normal and was allowed home. I am only grateful that they allowed my husband to stay with me at all times during my stay and even put up a bed for him in my room.



This is now an account of my bodies healing process

I had been informed that I could bleed for up to two weeks getting lighter after a few days and that my period could resume anytime up to six weeks later and possibly be heavier than normal and contain clots.
Sadly my body did not follow this pattern, initially I bled very little and it was very dark, this continued for about two and a half weeks.
Then I started to bleed more freely and thought that my period had started, but this did not seem to be the case. For just over two weeks this bleeding continued not to heavily and coming away in a clear mucous discharge. I attended my doctor who did a blood test to check that I wasnt anaemic and that I did not have any pregnancy hormones left. They both came back clear, but I continued to get awful tired at times and my bust had not gone back to pre-pregnancy state. I had gone up two cups sizes and only came down one.
Then it changed to more bleeding and less evidence of the discharge for about a week. I then attended the doctor again and was given antibiotics as a precautionary measure encase I had a slight infection, which he did not think was the case, as I was having no pain or smelly discharge. He reassured me that some woman's bodies could take 2-3 months to heal.
Then the bleeding got slightly heavier for around a week with small clots  I believe I may have had a light period, but cannot be sure. This then eased of to a pinkie discharge with little fresh bleeding for about a week and thankfully on Tuesday 13th May I had my first day free of blood since my miscarriage more than 8 weeks earlier. My bust has never gone back to its pre pregnant size (maybe it won't), I'll have to wait and see.
Now I wait to see when my periods return to normal and I can try again for a baby. On the 23rd May I eventually got my first recognisable period, it was very heavy at times and I had to change tampons every couple of hours. It lasted 8 days and I thought I was back to where I started bleeding every day, but thankfully it stopped and got another period on the 27th July, 5 weeks later and it lasted a more normal 5 days although it was still very heavy for a couple of days.
It has taken time for my body to heal and caused me a lot of anxiety and my future periods have not been plain sailing but eventually on the 15th November 2003 I had a positive pregnancy test. Now we just have to wait and see what the future holds.
Here is a record of my periods prior to my confirmed pregnancy test: -

Periods after miscarriage

1st Recognizable period
On the Friday 23rd May (10 days after the initial bleeding stopped) I eventually got my first recognisable period, it was very heavy at times and I had to change tampons every couple of hours. It lasted 8 days and I thought I was back to where I started bleeding every day, but thankfully it stopped.
2nd Period
I got another period on the Friday 27th June (35 days) and it lasted a more normal 5 days although it was still very heavy for a couple of days.
3rd Period
On Wednesday 23rd July (26 days) I bled moderately for a few hours and then this stopped almost and I had little bleeding then until the Friday through the night, but it was fairly dark as though a period was finishing. Then I had small amounts of bleeding between then and the Tuesday when they started heavy for 2/3 days tapering of to a dark colour on the Friday when they seemed to stop. I had no sign of bleeding on the Saturday. Then on the Sunday & Tuesday I had more of the dirty discharge bleeding with a small amount of fresh blood. I have now been free of bleeding since Wednesday 6th August (14 days).
4th Period
Had a dirty discharge on Friday 29th August (37 days after the last one seemed to start) and that lasted for two days when I started bleeding freely on the Sunday until
Wednesday with a light dirty discharge on the Thursday.
5th Period
Had a dirty discharge on the evening of Saturday 4th October (36 days after the last one started), then nothing on the Sunday, and then Monday started with a dirty discharge followed by a moderate blood flow, which gradually eased off to a dirty discharge on the Thursday evening.
6th Period
Had a light bleeding on the evening of Sunday 9th November (36 days after the last one started), Then a small amount of light bleeding early on the Monday and then nothing for the rest of the day.
Tuesday I had a tiny amount of dirty discharge, and then Wednesday and Thursday I had no sign of bleeding. I have had a small amount of dirty discharge this morning. This was not a period I was already pregnant.